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I have been sitting behind this very same desk for hours on end,blankly staring at my computer screen, refreshing the news website,waiting for something to happen. I havenx92t yet gotten up to getsome coffee, though I normally do so multiple times a day, because itmakes my co-workers happy and it keeps me awake. I prefer Kenyancoffee for its deliciously balanced aftertaste, but even though Iwrote many letters to management, they still serve us Wal-Martx92scheapest. One day, a few years back, I bought a couple of coffees atthe African coffee store on the corner of 40th and 9th, which Ipoured into the regular coffee cups we have at work, but no-oneexcept me noticed the difference.

Myjob really consists of not much more than being in this office forforty hours a week. Nobody tells me what to do and nobody really saysanything about the fact that I just blankly stare at the computerscreen for hours on a stretch, because most of them do the very sameand everybody fears someone else noticing their lack of activity. Thework I do in a week could be done by anyone on a Monday morning, andthere would still be time for a coffee break. Any real jobs have beenoutsourced to the slums of Beijing or Delhi decades ago. We all fearbudget cuts constantly because every single one of us is asexpendable as the other. I think about that a lot. Growing up, goingto school every day for twenty years, learning a craft, and how to bea responsible adult x96 but what for? I found out money can’t buy melove, and here I am, 142 pounds of meat in some state of the artskyscraper in Seattle, walking and talking and giving colleaguescoffees, butfrom the start and in the end totallysuperfluous. It doesn’t make sense to me. How did I even get here?

Outside, I notice a bird searing through the air toward thebuilding, but because the outsidex92s all made of darkened glasswhich reflects the blue sky, the bird fails to notice the building atall and crashes against my particular window hard. This happens alot. Sometimes, multiple birds a day get drawn into this involuntaryact of kamikaze. One day I felt like doing something and compiled aneat list in the only Microsoft software in which I Excel, with whichmy co-workers and me could bet on which window would get struck bywhat kind of bird on which day of the week.

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Day| Bird_ Pigeon Flycatcher Hummingbird Jay Other(fill in)

Monday x, window 3

Tuesday xx, w. 2, 5 x, w. 3

Wednesday x, w. 2 x, w. 9

Thursday

Friday x,w. 6, American Eagle

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I posted it on the message board but I didnx92t tell anyone about it,because I feared a reprimand of some kind. Of course, no-one looks atthe message board. It hung there for five months. Sometimes I turnfrom the window to my computer, refresh the CNN or ABC or MSNBCwebsite and hope for something terrible to pop up on the screen, likea plane crash killing two hundred people or bombs in the subway or asudden outbreak of an unstoppable, malicious disease of some kind. Itdoesnx92t necessarily have to be bad news by the way, just anythingto get me out of my rut. World peace would be nice either, but mostof the time nothing happens, which is fine too because it alwaysperfectly blends in with the rest of the day.

My manager, Frank, 48, a heavyset man who likes to wear corduroyjackets, comes walking toward me. I quickly Alt-Tab Youtube away andact like I’m heavily interested in some corp chart someone mailed meweeks ago. I realize the date gives it away, and choose not tobother. That’s what I do best x96 avoiding people, responsibilities,and work x96 and when something pops up, I ignore it. You could saythey pay me for just that. Frank stops at my desk. I wonder what hewants. x93What’s up, boss?x94 He looks me in the eyes gravely. x93Idon’t know how to begin.x94 He looks at the clip board he’s holding,clears his throat, probably thinking of how to begin, and begins.x93Since the beginning of the credit crunch, our company has beenstruggling to make ends meet. And with the economic downturnspiraling out of control, we’re forced to make some unpleasant budgetcuts. Some are able to stay, others are…x94

I knew all along what he was gonna say. I’ve thought aboutnothing else for five long, utterly boring years. And finally he saysit. x93Others are expendable.x94 Get out by five.